Bless this [Saturn] Mess

Lately I’ve been digging into some astrology, because sometimes I like to think there is science to our souls.

And now is no exception. We can all attest to how stressful and turbulent this past year was. But I’ve come to find that along with a pandemic, I was in the midst of a big planetary rite of passage – the return of Saturn.

Here’s the gist: They say it takes Saturn about 29 years to orbit the sun. (And by they, I mean science.) So according to astrology, your Saturn return happens around your 29ish birthday, after Saturn has looped through all the zodiac signs and made its way back to where it was when you were born. As the planet of discipline and structure, this marks a period of intense change and reflection. For three years, Papa Saturn is there to put you through the ringer – forcing you to grow up, get real and figure out what life you truly want.

Whether or not you subscribe to the stars and all the cosmic woo woo, the existential crisis that often happens before turning 30 is very much real.

It’s when you begin to feel the weight of adulthood. All our past mistakes and missed opportunities begin to resurface – pushing our boundaries and challenging our life decisions and sense of self.

It makes us question our path, reevaluate our relationships, and face our deeply buried fears. It’s a moment for sifting through all those ‘shoulds’ in life and tossing what no longer serves you.

Because think about it – our early 20s are all about playing, exploring, experimenting. It’s when we’re collecting every adventure and experience, like we collect random pens, hair ties and chargers in that drawer of ‘stuff’ we all have. You know the drawer, the go-to one where you keep things you don’t know where else to put, but think you’ll one day need.

But as you near 30, everything you’ve stored away starts to pile up. That’s when Saturn comes barging in with its big dad energy, checking to see if you’ve done your inner homework and sorted through all your stuff – and then forces you to do the work.

It picks you up, turns you upside down and shakes everything out of you. The stuff that stays is the stuff that’s working. Everything else gets shaken loose.

It can feel like everything is thrown into chaos, from your relationships to your career, down to your family life and where you live. Your rose-colored glasses are suddenly ripped off and you have to re-examine the way you view the world around you. For me, that meant stripping myself of the beliefs and values I’d held on tightly to since childhood, and figuring out what fit. It meant exploring the boundaries of who I am so that I could truly reclaim my own space.

Seeing your life in all its messiness is scary. But when you dig through the junk, toss aside the ‘shoulds’ and shove aside the unnecessary – that’s when you get to the good stuff.

You discover what has outgrown its use, as well as what you’re willing to fight to hold onto.

And that’s what the ringed taskmaster does – it forces us to take inventory of those drawers that exist as backbones. So no matter how messy or challenging things gets, we know we’re well-equipped with what we need. When you’re looking everywhere for your grit – check the drawer. When it feels impossible to find forgiveness for yourself – check the drawer. When you’ve misplaced hope so many times and don’t have a clue where to look – drawer. 

Because life can make it hard to remember that we’re filled with all these things. Luckily, the universe is always there to remind us, saying, “Look inside. I promise you’ll find it.”